Friday, October 3, 2008

You may have to be British to find this funny, then again maybe not!!!!

I personally found this very funny, but don't be ticked off with me if you don't find it funny!!!

A Message From the Queen

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

27 comments:

Lynda said...

Yes, very funny ;) You're welcome to link to me ... have a wonderful day !

Merisi said...

*giggle*
Aluminium, yes, that's the deviding foil! ;-)

I dare to say that roundabouts and the metric system are signs of British common sense. *run4cover*

Lindsay said...

I find it funny of course - but maybe you will get some stick from your US friends!

Hadriana's Treasures said...

Wonderful post, Gill, brilliant! I heard on the radio that the Brits invented baseball. Not sure why it turned into "Rounders" (just played by children) and baseball got such a fan base on your side of the Pond! The wonders of the world...

Linda said...

A loom u num
al u min ee um

We sort of use both these days, sort of give up.

14. Is so true for me.

Ginnie said...

funny.... tea time is a must for everyone!!

The Birdlady said...

Well, I sure think it's funny!

Lib said...

Hi Gill,
Lol NOt a bad idea , maybe we SHOULD adopt these.lol
Have agreat wk.end.
Blessins',Lib

Obe's said...

Tea time is such a civilized affair don't you agree! ((LOL))
Diane

Janet said...

Very funny, Gill, and so true. :-0

Imanoptimisticbeauty said...

I've seen that before... lol.

Leanne said...

Very clever!!!

But I got it as a kiwi BWG

Love Leanne NZ

Lily Hydrangea said...

Very funny indeed.
With the state of how things are going these days, it might be worth a try!

Laura ~Peach~ said...

considering that the us government (yes I am american) just bailed out the idiots on wall street with over 800 billion dollars they do not have... this actually sounds plausable... Other wise I would laugh ...sigh I am ashamed of my government.

Kyle said...

Y'know, I could almost stand for most of those measures until you got to #16. Down here in Texas, 10, 2 and 4 are Dr Pepper time -- I just can't abide tea. Wouldn't decline a few of those delicious strawberries though, if you're still of a mind to offer.

A big "Howdy" and a tip of the hat to the queen, though. Loved the post!

Tilly said...

Hi Gill, thanks for popping over to my blog. This made me chuckle. I have to agree on the microsoft spellchecker - it drives me mad, but I kinda like french fries!

Brit' Gal Sarah said...

I posted this too when I got it - hysterical!

Gill - That British Woman said...

thanks for all the comments. I am glad I didn't offend anyone.

Gill

Stephanie D. said...

Oh, I'm glad you finally posted this--it's hysterically funny! I particularly loved the Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine!

And then I began thinking of the revocation of Independence Day celebrations, and that led to visions of July Fourth items being contraband! And thought of everyone flocking to Kansas so we could celebrate the Fourth of July!

Made me laugh all over again.
Thanks, Gill!

Evelyn said...

loved it! gave me a laugh! evelyn

Catherine said...

This had me almost in tears laughing! Love it!! Priceless!

Arija said...

Love Her Royalness's Decree!, In fact I enjoyed it so much , I was going to show it to my nearest and dearest when my daughter beat me to it. I'd just answered her when I heard himself laughing. Thanks for the entertainment.
NB Australia has a larger area of snow than Switzerland. Remember this is a Continent not just a country. Where our farm is, our council area is larger than Lichtenstein! Statistics,statistics...

Jules said...

As a member of Britain's furtherest flung colony - I find this hilarious!!!!

Do you mind if I copy this and send it to a friend - who's Pommy!!!

PS - The mango season lasts quite a while here - well into the New Year.

Nancy said...

I'm not sure how all of that will fly in Minnesota. Shouldn't there be something about hats? Coin operated hot water? Wrapping things in newspaper? Hee hee! A friend and I were just talking about aluminium (spell checker flagged that)the other night. She spent a year in Nottingham.

cheshire wife said...

Wonderful! Very amusing.

Debbie said...

Brilliant, sitting here crying with laughter.

Gaynor said...

I am so glad everyone finds this funny! I sent a home made version to a friend in the USA after their last election (about how to vote...it is all in the big X) and the smart alec sent me and email with the entire American Constitution attached and playing the the USA national anthem..
Dont know if it put me off Americans or I.T guys most hehe..
lol
Gaynor