Tuesday, May 26, 2015

An oldie but a goodie.......

Took this from an old post of mine as I am still not feeling 100%.  Sorry in advance to all my American friends, but you have to admit it is funny!!

A Message From the Queen

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

Talking of Government's:
P.S. Our little Munchkin and both of her parents are down with strep throat?  I have a doctor's appointment booked for Wednesday, if I don't feel any better,


Wean said...

Gill I'm sorry you and Munchkin are poorly, get well soon.
Thank you so much for this post - it says it all ! I've started my day, not with a chuckle, but with a full belly laugh !
hear hear to every word !!
I will print this off and put it on the kitchen wall and refer to it regularly.
Wean - Great Britain

T'Pol said...

Every time I read it, I laugh at this. I started learning English when I was 11 and the school I attended used English Grammar Books. We had to study contemporary English writers and also classics such as Shakespeare and Chaucer at High School. So, imagine my surprise when I found myself in NY at the age of 22! Dropping the "u" was easy and so was calling lorries trucks, giving people rides instead of lifts and watching my step rather than minding the gap:)

Lynda D said...

Too funny but alas it is has a major error. Australia is the greatest sporting nation per capita. We play cricket (world champions no less), rugby, football and soccer. Our actors seem to regularly walk away with both British and US awards. You can take pleasure in noting that yes, we are part of the Commonwealth, we do use the Queen's English, do drive on the left, do use metric ...... need i go on.

Aussie Aussie Aussie Oy Oy Oy...

Evelyn said...

Thanks for the laugh Gill! I did not know about the ise/ize spelling.

Anonymous said...

Haha...love this!!! :)
Hope you feel better soon!

Cat Lover said...

Goodness gracious, when it rains it pours! You will remember this year as the year of sickness! Strep throat is no fun.

Plowing Through Life (Martha) said...

Thanks for this humour; a great way to start the day!

Linda aka Crafty Gardener said...

That would be a good April Fools joke. Seems the germs are running rampant in your family, sure hope you all feel better soon.

Paula said...

HA! That was so good. I shared it over on FB. I've got a bunch of history major/Anglophiles who will love it.

Belinda said...

Cute! I Hope you and Munchkin are feeeling better soon.

William Kendall said...

I laughed the first time I read this one, and it never gets old!

Marie C said...

I LOVED it! :-) No offense taken!

Hope you don't have strep...sorry the rest of your family is down with it!

Weekend-Windup said...

Take care of your health. Enjoyed reading your post...

Pom Pom said...

Funny! I hope you are feeling better, Gill!

barbara woods said...

hope you get better fast, i like the part about getting rid of all the idiots running the country

Craig said...

She's not far wrong!

Betsy said...

I hope Munchkin and her parents are soon well and the same for you. Spring is no time to be sick, there's too much to do!

Kaisievic said...

Oh dear, I hope that you all feel better soon - it took me over two weeks to recover from my virus.

John Gray said...

Yes getwell soon old gal xxx

Marilyn K said...

Oh my! Strep has been going around in our area. My granddaughter has been treated 3 times in less than 2 months for it. She would finish the antibiotic and it would be back again within a week. Not sure if it wasn't completely knocked out by the antibiotic or if she picked it up new. We are holding our breath waiting to see if she gets sick again.
As an American I am all for kicking out the Congress and Senate! I can also get behind tea time and soccer. Hope you don't have strep and feel better soon.

DeniseinVA said...

I remember this from somewhere, maybe read it the first time you posted it. Your header photo is gorgeous by the way. Feel better soon :)

Rose said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
EG CameraGirl said...

Funny, I agree. ;)) I hope you feel better soon.