Friday, March 28, 2014

A bit of British Humour for a Friday

Got this in an email.

BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER..
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!


FREE PUPPIES

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.


FREE PUPPIES.

Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale....


JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $100...



WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .

Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.


**** And the WINNER is.... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, $200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.


Statement of the Century

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Children Are Quick___________


TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables..
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O..
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie.... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH.

Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

9 comments:

Lena said...

Hahaha... Thanks for some good laughs early in the morning :) And a gay bull, huh?...

Jane said...

As a teacher I appreciate those kid's quips! Kids really do say the darndest things :) Thanks for my Friday laugh!

angela said...

They are great. Thanks for the giggles xx

ChrisJ said...

I do like Billy Connolly, though he's a bit too naughty for me. But what a sense of humor!

William Kendall said...

Good ones, particularly about that wedding dress!

Boyett-Brinkley said...

Very good!

Winifred said...

Love those ads. One question though. If they were UK ads why were the prices in dollars?

Beatrice P. Boyd said...

Funny way to start my Morning and I too liked the wedding dress ad.

Mum said...

Tee hee.
Love from Mum
xx